nostalgic for times i prayed to end (again)

how to stop piloting my mind only in the ways that lead to a crash

the month of ‘march’ is equivalent to being in an airport for me. since i can remember, it’s historically always been a daze, an in-between the sweet fresh newness of february and the tentative sun that april provides. not to say i am unhappy in march, but i’m in a waiting of sorts. for it to get warmer, for the readiness to change with the incoming spring and the outgoing winter.

not to mention the profound ache i feel for the bodies i let rest in past marches. in march of 2024, i was completely alone, building a new routine around my shitty escape room job and allowing new friends into my life. in 2023, abruptly thrown into withdrawal from my essential medications after a health insurance change. in 2022, anticipating my whole life changing and stretching myself thin trying to make the final year of childhood matter to its fullest extent.

2025 gives me this: finite reasons to miss times that were cruel. why i do miss feeling people’s perceptions of me shift around virulent animosity and dramatics true of young adults but not the ones i imagined we were? why do i miss the bitter sting of having nobody to justify anything to, no one to hold me accountable to put myself to bed and to talk about how my body keeps the score over lunch? i don’t miss this, not truly, but oftentimes i do miss the quality of writing i produced. when all else fails, the relentless efficiency of writing about it just about blooms. i miss the hardened skin that came with near-constant upset, the scent of frost in the air, of drifting from place to place like a ghost.

i more than incidentally have to remind myself to be happy. there is value in the bad, but i have taken all i can and more from those moments, sucked them dry and brittle to the rind. i do wonder if i’m the only one who hurts myself with time-traveling to the past (and who detests march just a little bit).

*content warning for the next poem: self harm

*this poem is terribly long, but the first paragraph remains the most relevant to what i’m talking about here

i seldom share my poetry on here but i hope it’s well-received ! thank you for reading <33